I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.