no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
