Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
make that 40.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my being single is dangerous.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]