saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
