oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.