and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Dating After Heartbreak
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.