So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.