I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"