Texts From Last Night

salazar1987's Favorites Texts:

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  (561): View more from Florida

  am i new drunk or am i still drunk

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  (561): am i new drunk or am i still drunk http://tfl.nu/zvnj
  Replies (3) Good night (542) Bad night (145) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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  (516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet. http://tfl.nu/uizc
  Replies (16) Good night (2700) Bad night (292) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
  Replies (127) Good night (127081) Bad night (2830) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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  (614): My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep. http://tfl.nu/ua0k
  Replies (12) Good night (2380) Bad night (368)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.

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  (336): You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens. http://tfl.nu/3z5p
  Replies (6) Good night (1146) Bad night (240) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.

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  (224): Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please. http://tfl.nu/hx0x
  Replies (13) Good night (1169) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.

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  (214): Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds. http://tfl.nu/9ird
  Replies (6) Good night (798) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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  (713): Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon. http://tfl.nu/r8yq
  Replies (4) Good night (1144) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.

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  (307): Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex. http://tfl.nu/mrat
  Replies (7) Good night (1617) Bad night (299)
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  (805): View more from California

  Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"

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  (805): Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out" http://tfl.nu/3yx5
  Replies (7) Good night (468) Bad night (947)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."

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  (269): My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night." http://tfl.nu/krw1
  Replies (6) Good night (1542) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm a corrupt cop.

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  (678): You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably. (404): I'm a corrupt cop. http://tfl.nu/teya
  Replies (4) Good night (1636) Bad night (256)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.

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  (319): I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks. http://tfl.nu/yrtx
  Replies (2) Good night (792) Bad night (232) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.

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  (270): I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right? (1-270): It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking. http://tfl.nu/u0kh
  Replies (5) Good night (1446) Bad night (244)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.

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  (623): He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix. http://tfl.nu/za16
  Replies (3) Good night (773) Bad night (308) Order T-Shirt
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  (344): View more from

  So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  They're waiting for you to die

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  (344): So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof (774): They're waiting for you to die http://tfl.nu/5pk9
  Replies (6) Good night (1849) Bad night (288)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?

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  (508): OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities? http://tfl.nu/uepx
  Replies (4) Good night (932) Bad night (312)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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  (778): First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work http://tfl.nu/03ii
  Replies (12) Good night (2165) Bad night (266)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator

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  (914): Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator http://tfl.nu/9f4r
  Replies (2) Good night (710) Bad night (202) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."

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  (817): Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window." http://tfl.nu/43ug
  Replies (10) Good night (1811) Bad night (296)
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  (650): View more from California

  We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

  (650): View more from California

  And so far nothing been broken!

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  (650): We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum. (650): And so far nothing been broken! http://tfl.nu/0yij
  Replies (4) Good night (2161) Bad night (276)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.

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  (541): So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come. http://tfl.nu/7g6u
  Replies (19) Good night (1302) Bad night (199)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.

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  (817): I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good. http://tfl.nu/zf93
  Replies (2) Good night (878) Bad night (247)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  re read what you just said

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  (773): i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter (1-773): re read what you just said http://tfl.nu/07tx
  Replies (3) Good night (616) Bad night (1207) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

  (630): View more from Illinois

  you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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  (312): I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD" (630): you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you http://tfl.nu/ztcf
  Replies (6) Good night (1874) Bad night (293)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes

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  (303): trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes http://tfl.nu/w6ny
  Replies (2) Good night (617) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape

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  (318): There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape http://tfl.nu/a8x6
  Replies (3) Good night (390) Bad night (1137) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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  (973): I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league http://tfl.nu/mvb2
  Replies (2) Good night (1126) Bad night (210)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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  (206): I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again (1-206): RESPECT THE VODQUILA http://tfl.nu/on0c
  Replies (4) Good night (1197) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  "Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.

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  (314): "Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high. (1-314): When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic. http://tfl.nu/714c
  Replies (2) Good night (762) Bad night (244)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

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  (206): I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/0ln2
  Replies (7) Good night (2392) Bad night (257)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven

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  (904): Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven http://tfl.nu/577t
  Replies (4) Good night (1060) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.

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  (319): I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks. http://tfl.nu/32c2
  Replies (5) Good night (901) Bad night (210) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.

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  (847): This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird. http://tfl.nu/h1he
  Replies (3) Good night (681) Bad night (319) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

  (925): View more from California

  Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

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  (925): I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission (925): Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol http://tfl.nu/zmin
  Replies (8) Good night (1668) Bad night (303)