All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.