sick fucks of a feather flock together
I told you penises don't tan
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?