I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm fucking your sister right now.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes