Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh god it's open bar.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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