dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she pinky promised me she was 18
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.