he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"