Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees