i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"