I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.