We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
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Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"