It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.