drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
