I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.