The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt