She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I didn't notice because vodka
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina