I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She told me I should be a condom model.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
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I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way