Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My balls are so social today.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
he laminated a picture of his dick.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions