she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"