you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.