My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
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She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
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Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.