You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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