So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.