Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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