Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
seriously i just wanna be friends
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.