Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.