dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."