My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dating After Heartbreak
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober