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im having a threesome with these popsicles
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
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