Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
turn off your phone and go to bed
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Princesses don't give blow jobs
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.