I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?