It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"