I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable