dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
