Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Princesses don't give blow jobs
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward