We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend