I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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