Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it