I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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