well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dating After Heartbreak
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos