I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?