She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."